| Love |
[06 Jul 2008|11:36pm] |
Destroys the best of us
Then leaves the rest of us
Thinking perhaps we'll die
Yet still we stay alive
Lost in a hollow frame
With lonely tears remain
Not knowing our life's worth
Dragging around the earth
How false the light
|
|
| Egh |
[23 Jun 2008|10:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
Ugh Ive been working nonstop.
A girl in my dept. quit and another
one took off so it has been only my
boss and me handling everything.
Im so happy i finally get some time
off.
On the upside, the overtime at
work has helped me raise funds for
my rims/tires fund. I'm fairly pleased
with what i was able to buy taking into
account my just-graduated-broke-as-
hell status. I ended up choosing
Enkei ZR1s and Falkien Ziex Ze 912s.
I did want the Toyo Proxes 4 instead, but
after checking ratings, the Falkiens weren't
that far behind. Also, I could save the
extra couple hundred and use it towards
my 2009 traveling fund.
With that said, Operation: Find A Second Job
And Work Like A Beast is now in effect.
|
|
| Dartmouth 08 |
[07 Jun 2008|12:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
I'm currently in Anne's dorm sipping on chamomile
tea and listening to Amy Winehouse. I didn't feel like
going out to the frats to drink. I don't know
how these dormers stay up till 5am. I slept till noon-ish
today and I am ready to hit the sack once more in a
few.
The weather is depressing. Anne's graduating Sunday
and all of us will be outside on the Green in the rain. Ugh.
Helping her pack is forcing me to say goodbye to college
all over again. We were doing an ol toss-or-take when
sorting out her clothes and we pretty much tossed anything
that looked overly "young" - miniskirts, psychedelic
prints and tube tops. I mentioned to Anne that I have to
do a purging of my own closet when we get home.
I'm not a very sentimental person, but saying goodbye
and thinking about all the memories gets me a little
emotional.
|
|
| Score |
[03 Jun 2008|08:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 relaxed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ingrid Michaelson - Giving Up |
] |
J. Crew had a sale that blew me away today:
Extra 50% off sale items.
You know i killed it.
I scored a silk python dress, navy blue pinstripe
bermudas, navy blue cotton shirt, paisley print bag,
and a salmon beaded bracelet for a little over $100.
I must say I am quite pleased.
As far as a grad school update, I mailed in my
admissions response form and tuition deposit.
Tomorrow, I'll mail in my final transcript and all
will be dandy. Chang picked up my diploma from
the registrar and they had a letter saying they'll
mail me another diploma because I graduated
with honors.
I didn't know it was possible to have 2 diplomas.
I decided that during my gap year I'd like to start
collecting goodies and supplies for dorming.
Aside from that, I'd like to fix up my room. I also
need ot get rid of clothes. Goodwill tax write off
here I come.
Im heading up to NH Thursday for Annae's graduation
from Dartmouth. Where to go from there neither of us
knows.
No matter what, I have to stay positive.
I have everything I want and if I could, I'd bask in
the moment forever.
|
|
| They Say |
[30 May 2008|01:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 melancholy |
] |
money can't buy happiness.
I wonder where the smile on my face comes from
whenever I get my paycheck.
On a side note, I always thought I was dissatisfied
with life because I was never in a good relationship.
Now that I am in one I am still dissatisfied with life.
Note to self: see psychologist and determine whether
or not you are manic-depressive.
|
|
| Forever Life |
[28 May 2008|11:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Colplay - Viva La Vida |
] |
I haven't written for leisure in a long, long, long, long, time.
College has made my writing so mechanical that I have
forgotten what it is like to write freely.
Anyway, life has changed. Big time. I can comfortably say
that I am slowly achieving my dreams. This past month has
been especially memorable for me.
I graduated college with enough honors, recognition, and
scholarships to 1. please my parents for the rest of their lives
and 2. to buy my way into doing what I want for once. What
pleased me more was the fact that , for once, I am satisfied
with life and myself (and that in itself is priceless). I've
always been my worst critic.
My happiest moment was getting into Columbia for grad
school. Everyone called me stupid for riding all my hopes
and dreams on one application, but smart people do
dumb things. Luckily, I got in.
Thank God.
I've decided to defer my enrollment to Fall of 2009, and this
gives me one whole year to do whatever the fuck I want. I've
worked all my life for this moment and damn, I don't know
what to do. I'm a little saddened to not have to pull another
all-nighter for a final, lie to my parents that I'm "studying,"
write something significant like my senior thesis, have late
dinners at Topps diner, bug my advisors, buy another over-priced
text book, hold my boyfriend's hand while walking to class (gay) or
bitch to my other high-strung, over-achieving, friends about
how we make life too hard. At least not for a while.
Yes, I am a nerd to the core. Learning has always been my true
love, and true love never dies.
After accomplishing all that was on my list of undergraduate goals (dork),
I started a list (yes, I am a list person) of things I wanted to do
before grad school, and so far it looks like this:
- Read Penguin Classic's List of 100 Greatest Books
- Travel Europe
- Live on the west coast for a bit.
- Stop biting my nails
- get back down to my high school early college weight
The list is bound to grow.
Life is Beautiful.
|
|
| to my friend |
[15 May 2008|01:52am] |
|
I just wanted to say goodbye properly, Cam.
|
|
|
[09 Jan 2007|07:12am] |
It's nice to be out of Jersey.
It's quite warm here in LA, and it's supplemented
by the joy of being on "vacation." I use quotes because
although I am relaxing, I am finding myself
researching graduate schools for at 7:14 AM,
I still haven't made a choice between pursuing
my MA or PhD. It's beginning to irritate me, However,
I've learned my lesson about rushing and pushing
things.
|
|
| Anything for Luck |
[01 Jan 2007|11:18am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Antonio Carlos Jobim - Brazil |
] |
Normally during the last few minutes before
the ball officially drops and the clock strikes 12,
people are readying themselves for their
midnight kiss and wish. Or, they are contemplating
how bleak the past year was, hoping the next
year will be a little better. There are also others
who sleep through it all, apathetic towards any
festivity.
I, however, stood glued to my t.v., rehearsing in
my head the rituals I was about to perform - rituals
I have done since i was a young girl:
"Light candle, say a prayer, open doors, roll oranges, jiggle coins."
My father is a skeptic, and he normally finds my mom's
superstitions rather childish. After all, luck and superstition
violate our faith. He never fed into any of it (I ,however, feast on it, lol).
But tell me why this particular year he participated in
the rituals wholeheartedly.
I think it's a function of hope.
I guess anyone will do anything for the the hope of luck.
|
|
|
[29 Dec 2006|01:37pm] |
Dearest Hara of 2007,
Learn from this year's failings.
- be more patient.
- be a little less selfish.
- guard your heart.
- guard your body.
- watch your words.
- more importantly, watch your actions.
- talk less, observe more.
- have more faith, pray more.
- be more discerning about those around you.
- be more disciplined.
- care less about money.
Furthermore, you're okay the way you are. Where you
are at the moment is where you belong, and the
way things are unfolding is the way they are meant to
be. In hindsight, you didn't have much control over
things as you thought you did. And when you were
given the opportunity to choose, you often chose poorly.
But don't be ashamed. It's okay. You have the rest of
your life to figure it out and do things right.
|
|
| On Demons. |
[04 Dec 2006|04:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nervous |
] |
My mother is absolutely convinced that demons are after me.
A few days ago I was studying late into the night. It was
about 2am and I was finishing one of my term papers.
On the last paragraph, as I was defending
Existentialism's moral basis, I heard a rapping on one of the
basement windows. It sounded suspicious, but I figured my
cat was eating some of his food.
There was no wind early that morning. In fact it was quite
dry that day. It couldn't have been leaves, or a stray animal.
I am sure of this because I am an individual consumed by
the senses - I can describe an exact taste, smell, feel,
sight and sound quite precisely. And in my defense, I was
cognitively sound that morning despite it being fairly early -
I wasn't particularly tired or doped up with paranoia from
caffeine.
It felt like the more I ignored the sound, the more intense
it got - as if whatever it was, it was getting annoyed I wasn't
attending to it. I finally got aggravated and demanded that
my cat "shut up." I turned towards my cat's food dish expecting
to find him eating, but he wasn't there. I then peered around
to find him and he was on top of the book shelf the whole
time, sleeping.
That's when I got a little scared. I fumbled with my last
few sentences hoping that the sound officially disappeared.
Then the tapping on the window continued, this time the
way it had sounded when it started. Normally I'm quite
courageous, but I wasn't daring enough that morning to
look in the direction producing the sound.
At that moment I was so scared that I bitched out - I saved
my document and ran to my room in a manner reminiscent
of my high school track days.
The next morning I had breakfast with my mother, and she
mentioned that the night before she dreamt that she
was walking towards a church and she saw a demon
possessing me. She told me that she ran towards me
and the demon dragged me to a corner. When she started
screaming at the demon, he vanished. When she looked
at me I was bruised and unconscious. Then I began to
shrink; my mother held me and started to pray fervently,
and slowly by slowly I returned to my normal size.
Then I told my mother about what had happened to me
early that morning and now she's convinced that something
is after me. I found a crucifix in my basement and another
crucifix pendant tied to the base of my bed frame where
my head lay. I think her fear is making me even more
scared...
I demanded that my mother put the curtains in the basement
back up. I am a late studier and I cannot function with the
thought that someone/something is peering at me through
my basement window.
|
|
|
[30 Nov 2006|12:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Atlanta Rhythm Section - So Into You |
] |
Two days ago when I came home from school, l I found my father
and brother watching Titanic in HD (high definition). Then I came
home today and saw my mom watching Scarface while eating a
cheesesteak.
This reminded me of this past summer when we vacationed to PA
to see my cousins. The morning we were supposed to drive over,
I was awakened by the blaring of T.I. "Why You Wanna"
in my dining room. Thinking my brother was awake, I went downstairs
to see what was going on, only to find out my mother and aunt were
making breakfast while everyone was asleep.
Gangsta.
I feel like I'm missing something here. I swear, the women in my
family are far more gangster than the men can ever wish to be. I
can only hope that I can achieve a level of G-status
comparable to that of my mother and aunts.
____________________________________________________
On a separate note, Professor Beer gave me an A on my term paper.
I must say that I am quite pleased. I have to admit he is one professor I
truly admire. I can only dream to be as accomplished as he is. I am
not ashamed to say that I wrote my paper with the intention of seeking
validation from him. He made some very nice remarks, and my ego
has just inflated ten-fold. I forewent taking Family Processes, a much
more relevant subject to my future career, to take Comparative
Psychology next semester. I hate Comparative-anything. I will, however,
suffer through it just to be in the same room as Dr. Beer. Well...that
and to score a killer recommendation from him later.
_____________________________________________________
I have to make mention of the fact that I saw the lighting of the
Christmas tree in NY earlier this evening. The lighting solidified
that fact that the Holidays are here...something I am not sure I am
particularly excited about. Well, I thought I was
excited, but I don't know.
Alfie asserted that no matter what, you always need a relationship to
see you through the holidays. However shallow and superficial that
seems, I agree. The holidays can be a brutal experience. The
customary emergence of holiday Zales commercials and the double
whammy of Mariah Carey/Nat King Cole Christmas songs on replay
at work remind me of how depressing romance can be.
For all those in need of some stand-in Christmas/New Year's
lovin', I am the girl for you.
|
|
| Writing Overdose |
[29 Nov 2006|01:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Nelly Furtado - Say It Right |
] |
Maria Abada
Random LJ Rambling
November 30, 2006
Writing Term Papers is Robbing Me of My Sanity
I. The only thing I've been doing for the
past four days is writing.
1. The term paper I worked on first came
out to 13 pages, which wasn't bad at all.
2. I do, however, find this paper I am
presently working on pure torture. I think
it is torture because I am beginning to get
lazy and I am running out of gas.
3. Academic writing always exhausts the shit
out of me.
a. Partly because I hate writing
poor papers, and partly because it entails
so much damn thinking.
II. My earlier writing experiences in university
entailed me opening up Word and hoping
for the best.
1. Then I became a believer of
the outline.
a. I always thought outlines were rigid and
a waste of time. However, now I realize
the rigidity only advocates organization,
which ultimately saves loads of time.
III. I have chosen to write my paper comparing Mussolini and Sartre.
1. At first glance this is a bit bizzare since Mussolini is
a fascist and Sartre ultimately becomes a commie.
2. The main argument I set up is that Mussolini and Sartre both
advocate action. However, they are fundamentally different
in their moral source of action
3. Another argument I pose is that despite Sartre's anti-
spiritual stance, he ends up being more moral than
Mussolini.
4. I know, boring shit, but my professor finds it "intriguing."
On a side note, I changed my layout. ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) anonamemiss
I needed a break from all the typing, and I was bored with my journal
so I fudged around with it. It looks the best at 1024 x 768, which is strange
because I have my settings at 1280 x 1024. I have to also add that LJ
has been quite user-friendly with its additional feautures.
Also, for the first time in years I edited my profile information.
I realized that since I've began this journal some many years ago,
I haven't changed very much. I haven't decided whether that is a good or bad
thing yet. My interests are generally still the same, and although my writing
per se has evolved, my core emotions and moods have not changed - I'm
still in a constant search for something and I am still very thoughtful and
reflective.
It's just interesting to realize what changes in your life, and what will
always stay the same.
|
|
| I'm seeing red everywhere. |
[09 Nov 2006|11:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
Ray Rice: "This is for everyone in New Jersey. Everyone
who believed in us."
I love how Rice's quote implies that normally, people do not believe
in Rutgers or New Jersey for that matter. So true Rice,
so true. The only students who don't understand the credibility
and respectability of Rutgers are its own residents.
Cheers to everyone who opted to stay in-state.
Gotta love Jersey - home of the guidos, freestyle music, Bon Jovi,
The Boss, summers down the shore, big hair, bad roads, bad tans,
high property tax, high insurance, black-on-black cars with chrome
wheels, homosexual governors, and the comforts of NY without
having to actually endure living there.
|
|
| Prodigies & Mobiles |
[09 Nov 2006|08:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
I ran into Vishad while on my way to the
raider mart after my exam. He just came from
Starbucks and was on his way to the library.
I've always admired this guy. He's now 22,
is halfway through his third year of medical school,
and is vying for a nuerosurgery residency. And despite
the rigor of medical school, he still finds
time to do martial arts and tai chi.
I almost want to hate him, but I really can't.
He's so down to earth, and there is this genuineness
to him that is disarming. He definitely is a
humble intellectual.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot before bed, and
I feel like after all my decorating, my room
is missing something. I've covered the walls with
artwork and photos, and I've had the pleasure
of flaunting the huge Marilyn Monroe laminated poster
I found in the middle of the street. However, I feel
my ceiling is lacking.
And although I have a lot going on in my room,
there is a gestalt to it. It's not just a whole
bunch of crap thrown onto the walls haphazardly.
I've given it a lot of thought, and I want
to construct a mobile. I haven't quite worked out
the mechanics, but my vision includes hand-made
paper and calligraphy. I just need to figure out
how exactly I'm going to make this. But I think
it will be really cool.
I've always been fascinated with mobiles.
They're mostly associated with infants, but I
feel that mobiles can be a significant source
of relaxation for adults too. I think there is
something romantic about mobiles. There is a
certain delicateness with how the hanging ornaments
are showcased, and I've always been charmed by it.
Which leads me to my greatest dilemma in this project -
What exactly am I going to have hang? After all, this
can either increase or decrease the attractiveness
of the mobile. I've thought about several possibilities,
namely, origami and my favorite art exhibit
cards (I like to collect them).
I still haven't made a solid decision, but decisions
like this take time. I really hate the feeling of
not being satisfied with my finished project, so I
have to thoroughly plan before I even begin.
If only I could give the rest of my life as much
thought as I'm giving to this.
Scratch that - I definitely give my life too much thought
as it is.
|
|
| Scarlet Fever |
[08 Nov 2006|10:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 optimistic |
] |
Apparently, the Scarlet Knights** are doing mighty
well in the football arena. I can't believe we've
made it this far.
Tickets that were previously about $30 are going for a couple
hundred. Kinda makes me wish I had bought tickets earlier
in the season.
If we go to the championship game, that'd really
be a surprise.
I'm kinda annoyed by some of the bashing we're getting,
but it doesn't matter. I mean, Jersey really is no stranger
to being the object of jokes.
I hope we win against Louisville!
We're really in that delicious position to gain everything.
|
|
| healthy paranoia. |
[06 Nov 2006|12:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
These past few weeks, going corporate
has been a lurking thought in the back of my mind.
I don't think I'll enjoy it as much as
counseling, but Anne has been putting up
a compelling argument.
There is just something so enticing about
the prospect of money.
But then again, I can make money in counseling.
The clinical/counseling landscape may not be
as lucrative as I/O, but if I choose the right job,
I could be making enough to be comfortable
and stable.
And I mean, the burnout associated with I/O
turns me off. I do intend to marry and have a family
someday, so... no, wait, I intend to have a successful
marriage and good children (I mean, anyone
can be married and can pop out babies, but the
difference lies in the quality of the marriage and
rearing of the children I think), and I just don't
see that happening if I'm traveling around all the time.
Of course one can pose the argument that all can work
out if you work hard enough at it, but lets just be honest.
The odds of having things work out in life exactly
the way you want them is highly in one's disfavor.
I don't know.
I'm meeting up with Dr. Van de Walle tomorrow. I hope she
can help settle some of my uncertainty.
|
|
|
[02 Nov 2006|11:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
Ok, in hindsight, I should not have
forced myself to eat the disco fries.
|
|
|
[02 Nov 2006|08:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pleased |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Metallica - Fuel |
] |
I just finished a paper.
Sigh. Work is tiring me out.
I think I'm going to do my research
paper for Modern Viewpoints on Jung.
I'm slightly irritated that my professor
didn't spend more time on Jung (I only have a page
of notes on him). That is one reason
why I am wary of professors. Anyone
in the education landscape will, alright...
have the tendency to, bias their attention
towards their interests (tell me why
Dr. Beer spent so much time on William James
when we haven't even hit him yet timewise).
Anyway, yea. So Jung it is.
On another note, there is this flamenco
exhibition at NJPAC I want to go to later
this month. I think my brother would
be interested in it, so maybe I can tear him
away from his possessive girlfriend (I kid)
for one evening.
I really feel I need to do more pleasurable things
with my life. I'm quite pleased to know I still
have that academic beast within (which I thought
died last year) me, but I would like to do more.
The hour or so I read before bed is just not
cutting it anymore.
Ahh.. Ugly Betty time. Yes. I can freely let my brain
rot for an hour.
|
|
|
[02 Nov 2006|11:59am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
I guess sluts are all the rage right now.
|
|
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